Terminators
Social skill: the ability to terminate human interaction at the proper time without discomfort on either side (Lynn's Concise Dictionary, p. 5).In the same way as learning to land is more important for pilots than learning to take off, I think learning to say goodbye is both harder and more important than learning to say hello. Granted, some people could use a little practice with both. But it usually takes only a germ of an idea in one conversationalist to get a dialogue of some sort going.
Think of those you most enjoy talking with. They probably know when their usefulness as interlocutors wears out, sensing when there is a time to talk and a time to be silent, as Qohelet might say. The ones you dread talking with are probably not horribly unpleasant in themselves, but as the conversation drags on you are stunned by how unaware they seem of your lack of interest in continuing it. People you would say were "very interesting to talk to" probably could both sense when your (or perhaps their) interest began to wane and knew what to do to effect a separation.
In our linguistics class, a friend and I lamented the simple fact that people are very, very rarely honest about why they choose to end interactions. Usually formulas like "Well, I'd better be going" or perhaps a more unselfish "I should let you go" allow for termination. The truth ("I'm bored with this conversation and have better things to be doing" or "I'd rather talk to Bob over here") is simply unacceptable (Walt Wolfram and Natalie Schilling-Estes, American English, p. 86).
My friend and I began using these more truthful types of cues, sharing a good laugh at the "inside joke" whenever one of us thought to bring it up again. At that point, however, the "truth" became another formula; we really were enjoying the conversation and would have been hurt if the other party really meant she would rather talk to someone else. Because of our shared history of joking about it, we appropriated blunt honesty to be a fresh way of lying to one another as a social easement. We had to explain it to those who might be present if we wanted to lessen their discomfort in hearing us say such things to one another.
So, if you feel like no one ever likes talking to you, study up on smooth modes of departure. I sure have better things to do than try to explain it to you suckers.
posted by Lynn @ 5:48 AM
2 Comments:
What usually keeps me from conversations is getting started, not ending. Any advice on that? :)
I'm glad you wrote this one so quickly, LS. :)
"The ones you dread talking with are probably not horribly unpleasant in themselves, but as the conversation drags on you are stunned by how unaware they seem of your lack of interest in continuing it."
I completely agree. I am thinking of a couple of individuals right now who fit that description. Who knows how many potential conversations I have skirted (with them and others) because of this very thing you describe.
There have also been instances in which I was the one who was not great at ending the conversation. It's not because I'm "bad" at terminating conversations in general, but because I'm bad at terminating conversations vis-a-vis particular individuals. Some people, I suppose, just don't "mesh" well. I'm not of the opinion that the rhetorical rapprochement we call "chemistry" is possible between any two individuals, even after considerable coaching. Maybe it's possible for politicians, or people endued with some extraordinary charisma.
This may be one of those things we just have to accept about the human condition. But, if there's a way to fix it, I'd really like to know.
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