Not Worth Money, Not Worth Much
I am looking for a job in the Inland Northwest region. I have written a sheaf of cover letters voluminous enough to paper the walls of my new room. I've seen about a 15% response rate to the letters, and so far the responses have all been "no."In the last couple weeks, two positions have come available that appeal equally to my skills and inclinations. Being called for an interview for both these positions made a great difference in my psychological health. Before that, however, my self-worth suffered greatly because of the mighty dollar.
Most of my loved ones rightly and sincerely disdain money as insufficient for happiness, for contentment. I do not resent this testimony; I agree with it. There is a slight problem here, though. This testimony rarely comes from someone who is truly without sufficient personal resources to fill basic needs of food, clothing and shelter. I cannot even claim this status for myself, knowing that if I did not have the resourceful support of my family members, I could still sustain myself for at least the foreseeable future.
I do not live in a culture where mere desire and dedication scratches one's food from the earth. If I did go out in the woods to build a cabin for a life as a hunter-gatherer, law-enforcement personnel would condemn my flimsy shack and, if they were kind, evict me to a pre-established shelter for others who are similarly unable to scratch in culturally acceptable ways.
My culture does accept, to a certain extent, temporary dependence on better-off family members, and that is the strategy I am now employing. But the real test of my relative worth will be earning my independence. Once I can support myself and am making an adequate effort to do so, I will be a "productive member of society."
All of this takes place in an environment measured by money. The resources by which anyone gains independence in America are monetary. This is an amoral situation; it just is, and those of us who live here learn to deal with the system. Some learn it extremely well, and they can simultaneously possess a great deal of money and disdain its influence. Some do not handle it quite so graciously, and some (to get a little closer to home) will always be slightly unable or unwilling to harvest bountifully. Not all are created with equal financial savvy, yet numbers with "$" signs next to them will always be the ones that really communicate one's contribution to the world we live in.
That is why my self-worth suffers from unemployment. It is not because I am dependent, though that does wear upon my sense of right. It is not because I can't accomplish tasks which would be appreciated by others. It isn't because I demand some sort of abstract valuation of my self-as-is without offering anyone a communicable reason to give it.
I just want a certificate of merit--that is to say, a paycheck. A proof to my culture (and to myself as a product of it) that I am not taking up space here without giving back. I will do just about anything to get one.
It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
posted by Lynn @ 6:33 PM
3 Comments:
Reading this post left me feeling sick, because it made me feel as if I have betrayed my true feelings/beliefs, and maybe I have. I used to despise the fact that one had to have a "job" at a "business," both of those words defined by their most common use within the past century or so, in the period since the Industrial Revolution took hold. One had to, so that those around quem would not deem quem to be worthless and disgusting, and a stain on "modern society."
But I have gotten used to it, in that I no longer automatically differ from the common opinion above stated. Consciously I may still dislike it, but I have come to accept it as almost a fact.
I wonder if this desperation to "prove worth" is an indicator of your real feelings toward someone who is also in your situation, or perhaps more permanently in your situation due to disability or other circumstances. I am examining my own thoughts about this...still in progress.
I wonder if this desperation to "prove worth" is an indicator of your real feelings toward someone who is also in your situation, or perhaps more permanently in your situation due to disability or other circumstances. I am examining my own thoughts about this...still in progress.
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